Sleep

I'm going to run out of titles for these. Titles are hard. And I like to talk about the same thing a lot. That's why I need this space, so I can rant and rave as much as I want and not annoy my friends for talking about the same thing again.

Not that they ever say that.

That's me assuming.

That's me taking away their choice and telling them what they feel.

It feels right, though.

But I digress, as you can see from the title, this is about sleep, not... whatever that was about.

I both love and hate sleep. I never want to go to bed, but when I'm asleep I never want to wake up. I don't want to miss things or, well, I guess I just don't want the next day to happen. The next day can't happen if you never sleep, right? Time just stands still as you push yourself to stay up to midnight, one, two, three... The next day isn't real until you sleep.

Except it is, of course. The next day will always come, whether you slept or not, and you still have to do all the things you didn't want to do, whether you slept or not.

I hate it.

I hate weekdays.

I hate having to do things.

I'm so tired of just the basics of living. Sleeping, eating, working. Bills and appointments and familial obligations. I want it all to stop.

So, yeah. I have a sleeping problem. Part from depression, part from anxiety, part from... all that shit which is really also just depression probably. God, I should have tried the full pill again tonight. Too late now, it's already 11:30, so it would be more likely to fuck me up than not.

I'm just... not tired. And when I get tired, I don't want to sleep. And when I finally lay down to sleep, it takes so long to shut my brain off and actually sleep. Which makes me want to try to sleep even less. Just laying there and doing nothing. I hate it.

Fuck, I forgot to try to set something up to block the light in my room this weekend. I also never did laundry. It's like I spend Saturday recovering from the week and Sunday psyching myself up for the week that I just don't get a lot done.

Which also makes me not want to sleep, as though staying up until I'm ridiculously tired will help me do things.

I should probably go lay down now. Try to make myself sleep. I just... really, really don't want to. Even though group isn't that bad. It's short, it starts later than I'm used to working, it can be validating. I just... don't want tomorrow to come.

Depression

I realized I forgot to list some other basic facts about me, and some of the big reasons I'm starting up this blog. I guess I kind of mentioned it when I talked about group therapy, but still.

I have depression and anxiety. Have had them since I was... 12/13? Somewhere around there. It's been what one of the therapists call "undermanaged." She says there's like a... What did she call it... A suffering tolerance, or something. You get used to feeling bad so when you feel a little bit good, you take that and you run with it, even when you should be feeling a lot a bit good. She says you shouldn't have more than one or two bad days a week unless it's from some significant event, and even then not for too many weeks in a row.

I think I have one or two good days a week. I got back on meds in March, but I don't think my psychiatrist took me all that seriously so I'm looking for another one now. I didn't think I needed therapy because I'm usually good with... Okay so in group they call negative talk A Talk and the positive talk you use to counter it B Talk. I'm usually pretty good with B talk, of reminding myself my A talk is wrong. It wasn't until I had all this anger that I had no idea what to do with, no idea what was healthy that I finally decided to get a therapist.

I made the appointment in April, but it wasn't until May. Then... she had to cancel last minute and her next appointment wasn't until July. So I chose a different therapist and made an appointment for June. She also had to cancel last minute but scheduled me in the following week. Which also had to be cancelled. So it wasn't until the end of June I finally got a therapy appointment when I probably should have made one as soon as my insurance kicked in.

That therapy appointment didn't last long, though. I basically fessed up to thinking about killing myself every day and she referred me to a partial hospitalization program. Which I'm in now. This is the last week. I'm... really nervous about going back to work. I'm afraid I'm going to back where I started. But, the program has its own psychiatrist and I'm now on triple the dose of one med.

Actually, maybe I should list out my meds. I've been thinking about it. This might be a nice reference for myself to look back on and remember what I was on and how I was feeling.

Currently I'm on 60mg Prozac taken in the morning, 20 mg Geodon taken in the evening, half a 50 mg tablet of Trazodone taken at night, but I'm thinking about trying the full tablet again. Also a Folate tablet (666mcg DFE) taken in the morning and 500mcg B12 sublingual tablet when I remember to take it. Which is rarely. Oh, and .25ml of testosterone weekly.

I've been taking the Geodon since March, I was on 20mg Prozac until two weeks ago, and I had my first shot of testosterone Wednesday. I'll probably make another post to talk about that.

A talk says I'm never getting better and B talk says I'm trying and I'll figure it out. We'll see.

A talk also says I'm not that bad, with the insinuation I need to get worse. Maybe an actual suicide attempt to really show I'm having a hard time. B talk says just thinking about wanting to kill yourself every day is bad "enough" and I need help.

I think maybe it's hard because I've only... vaguely referenced why I'm in this three week program to my friends. I don't know, maybe I told Kyle about it explicitly, but for most people it was like "I am doing badly enough that my new therapist recommended this." Not "hey I literally want to kill myself every day and I think you all would be better off if I did and I've also calculated exactly how you will get over me being dead."

My new individual therapist... She said some stuff that makes me uncomfortable, but it might be good that it made me uncomfortable. She said she already had one client kill themselves, and if another does it, she's quitting her practice. Also added on the guilt that she handles a lot of queer clients and I'd be leaving them without someone they trusted if I killed myself on her watch. Basically I'd have to promise not to kill myself if I wanted her to be my therapist. I... I'm not sure if I can promise that. I really want a queer therapist. I really think she might be good for me. I just don't know if I can promise not to kill myself. If I want to promise that. I don't like promising things.

I don't know. It's not like I've attempted since I was in high school, and that was such a shit attempt my mom forgot about it. Which is, you know, great.

I always hear stories about how a suicide will fuck up other people and part of me doesn't care and the other part doesn't believe it.

I'm just so tired of being alive. I'm so tired of working 40 hours a week for the rest of my life. I'm tired of eating and cleaning and barely scraping by. I'm just... tired.