Sleep

I'm going to run out of titles for these. Titles are hard. And I like to talk about the same thing a lot. That's why I need this space, so I can rant and rave as much as I want and not annoy my friends for talking about the same thing again.

Not that they ever say that.

That's me assuming.

That's me taking away their choice and telling them what they feel.

It feels right, though.

But I digress, as you can see from the title, this is about sleep, not... whatever that was about.

I both love and hate sleep. I never want to go to bed, but when I'm asleep I never want to wake up. I don't want to miss things or, well, I guess I just don't want the next day to happen. The next day can't happen if you never sleep, right? Time just stands still as you push yourself to stay up to midnight, one, two, three... The next day isn't real until you sleep.

Except it is, of course. The next day will always come, whether you slept or not, and you still have to do all the things you didn't want to do, whether you slept or not.

I hate it.

I hate weekdays.

I hate having to do things.

I'm so tired of just the basics of living. Sleeping, eating, working. Bills and appointments and familial obligations. I want it all to stop.

So, yeah. I have a sleeping problem. Part from depression, part from anxiety, part from... all that shit which is really also just depression probably. God, I should have tried the full pill again tonight. Too late now, it's already 11:30, so it would be more likely to fuck me up than not.

I'm just... not tired. And when I get tired, I don't want to sleep. And when I finally lay down to sleep, it takes so long to shut my brain off and actually sleep. Which makes me want to try to sleep even less. Just laying there and doing nothing. I hate it.

Fuck, I forgot to try to set something up to block the light in my room this weekend. I also never did laundry. It's like I spend Saturday recovering from the week and Sunday psyching myself up for the week that I just don't get a lot done.

Which also makes me not want to sleep, as though staying up until I'm ridiculously tired will help me do things.

I should probably go lay down now. Try to make myself sleep. I just... really, really don't want to. Even though group isn't that bad. It's short, it starts later than I'm used to working, it can be validating. I just... don't want tomorrow to come.